I don't bleed blue and gold, but...

...that loss to the Houston Astros in 10 innings killed last night.

I'm not going to claim that I am a baseball expert. I don't really understand what VORP is -- nor do I really care -- and a lot of the minutiae of the game is completely lost on me. I've only followed the Brewers closely this past year because they were competitive for once, so perhaps my opinion is invalid.

There has been a lot of Ned Yost hate going on around the internet lately, what with his mismanagement of the bullpen in tight games. I understand some of it. For one thing, this is the internet and that means there will always be someone, somewhere to bitch and nitpick about every little move he makes. Secondly, there have been some decisions that were definitely questionable. When I start picking up on those decisions, you know there's something wrong.

But this isn't going to be a "trash Yost" post (heh, that rhymed). I don't believe, as talented as this team is, that they got off to a 24-10 start despite him. He's gotten them where they are today -- which is better than they've been in 15 years -- even with his occasional screw-ups. And I say "occasional" because a lot of baseball decisions are "woulda-coulda-shoulda" in hindsight. Yeah, Yost coulda pinch-ran (run? what's the proper verbiage there?) for Bush at 3rd when he knew he was pulling him anyway, but there's no guarantee that the runner scores. That's just one example -- a small sample size to be sure -- but I think it's indicative of the types of things fans nitpick on. They're not any better than Yost is at gambling with the game on the line.

So, what about winning with your best guys? Isn't that a baseball manager's job? I'd like to think it is. Trouble is, sometimes you get burned with your best, sometimes you don't. A loss is a loss either way, so when Ned doesn't have the best guys out there, what's the difference? I realize that makes Yost sound like a horrible manager (and that I sound like I don't give a shit) that doesn't care about his team. Maybe on some nights he does give that impression. But to imply that if we had Lou Piniella or Joe Torre or someone of that caliber would guarantee a win in those close games is nieve, don't you think?

This is why I don't blame Ned Yost completely for last night's breakdown. The Brewers themselves shoulder the blame here. What about that bases loaded situation in the first inning? They pissed it away. How about the aforementioned Bush-on-third situation in the 6th? Dillon got him over there with a double... and the Brewers didn't bring anyone yet again. Those two things, if executed properly, would have made a shaky bullpen irrelevant. (figure three runs in those two situations with Rickie's shot in the 9th, and it's 7-4, not tied up)

Of course, none of those things happened, and the game was left up to the shaky bullpen. Linebrink almost got out of the 7th unscathed (which would have setup Turnbow comfortably in the 8th), but this isn't horseshoes or hand grenades. Shouse and Turnbow couldn't get it done either. Then, in the 9th, Ned Yost channeled Kenny Rogers and gambled on Chris Spurling and Mitch Stetter. After the inning was done and the score still tied, I decided I wanted to go to Potowatomi and have Ned with me at the blackjack table. There was no way I could lose then.

What happened here on both offense and with the pitching was that for the most part, the players didn't step up when they needed to. The whole point would be moot if the Brewers squeaked out a victory somehow... but then Yost had to go and put in Matt Wise in the bottom of the 10th, facing both Carlos Lee and Lance Berkman. Yeah, the same Matt Wise that nailed a guy in the face and hasn't been the same since. Even the staunchest of Ned defenders should know that was a dumb choice.

All is not lost for the Brew Crew though. Those guys have a way of bouncing back from tough losses. Plus, the Cubs are chokers of the finest order. If the starting pitching goes as well as it has lately (with the exception of Ben "Glass Joe" Sheets), I think they'll be all right. That is, unless they get into another situation against the Braves or Padres like they did last night.

The General Mish-Mash, Volume One

I had something all ready to go last weekend, but then I decided to buy what you see above, Old Grand Dad 100 proof whiskey. There went that idea. So instead I give you what will probably become a recurring feature when I don't have a single big topic to write about. Here is the first installment.

Part I: Why I don’t update

Deep inside my mind I knew that this time wouldn’t be any different; I knew that I wouldn’t be able to keep up with even a paltry two updates a week. For once, it’s not for lack of topics. I still have at least 3 or 4 that could go well beyond my usual 1,000 word benchmark. Still others are lesser, but yet I want to write about those things too.

The truth of the matter is lately, I just don’t care.

Now, that’s no way for a writer to talk, is it? For one, if the writer doesn’t care, why should the reader? That’s fair enough. However, I’m going to be very childish and say that the reader didn’t care first.

I don’t have the luxury of having hundreds of friends on Facebook or MySpace; with such a large sample size, one would think at least a handful of people would come check it out. So I’m down already, but not out: I still have some friends on those sites, and if even 25% (which would be what, four?) of those people would read this garbage, I would feel all right. Unfortunately, no one has.

Sure, I’ve forcibly shown the site to a couple of people, but aside from initial comments, I’ve heard nothing. If I suck, fine. Tell me that I suck and that you’re never coming back. At least I know you came. But if I really am a good writer, who the hell am I writing for? I understand people are busy and have better things to do than check out a shitty blog written by grumpy old man, but would every once in a while hurt? A “Hey, I like what you wrote!” or “You’re an idiot” from someone other than Ken would be cool.

Honestly, I think school spoiled me. I had a deadline to work with, a grade on the line, and perhaps most importantly I was ten times bitterer than I am now. Those things kept me going. The other writers in my class may have been forced to read everyone’s stuff, but at least they were there and you knew they were paying attention.

If I wanted to write for myself, I have a 10-pack of notebooks in the drawer beside me. I could write in those and keep them away from everyone, so later on I can look back and see how stupid (or ahead of my time) I was at twenty-five. Right…

I understand that blogs get readers through word of mouth. One blogger goes to another blogger and says “Hey, check out my shit!” and it goes from there. Well, I don’t have the sack – even with the anonymity of the internet – to do that because 1)Yes, I am a giant pussy, and 2) because I have no focus. I can’t write something about the Brewers and expect a sports blog to link to it when everything else on the site is about 17 other random things. It doesn’t make sense to me, even though I’m probably wrong.

Part II: Television vs. Reading

Here I go being two months late again, but I read this report and it scared me. We’re getting closer and closer to the movie Idiocracy. I don’t want to come off as Mister High-and-Mighty English major, because I don’t fit that stereotype, at least not all the way.

But I do like to read; I always have. So it pisses me off a little that some people apparently can’t be bothered to pick up a book once in a while. I understand that there are tons of things one can do to pass the time today. You Tube, video games, movies, television… I like all those things, but once in a while I like to lose myself in a book.

My friend Ken said “if there are no tits or Batman [in the book], then I’m not interested.” That’s fine, but it infuriates me. I’ve read a ton of stuff that I think he’d enjoy, but I’m met with resistance. I don’t want to sound like one of those people that proudly proclaim that they don’t own a television. I think both media have their merits. TV, admittedly, has something for everyone: educational programs on PBS, History Channel, and Discovery Channel; and mindless entertainment like WWE, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and Beavis and Butt-head.

But so do books. I think you can use your imagination in such ways that television just can’t match.

If I have a point here – and it may not be very good – is that people shouldn’t be so resistant to both reading and watching television. Books aren’t just for high-falutin’ English majors and dorks, and TV-watching isn’t for mere plebeians. Maybe if we did a little of both, we could have a more balanced – and ultimately healthier – life.

Part III: Two American Classics

I found this on You Tube last weekend, and it made my day. I give you David Letterman interviewing Beavis and Butt-head.

Sunday (not Friday) Five: 9/2/07

Five concerts I would like to have seen


Okay, so I missed a couple of days on the Friday Five, but no one was breathing down my neck wondering where the post was so no harm, no foul.

I was listening to the VH1 Storytellers CD featuring Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson last weekend when I thought of this list. I was thinking to myself, “Man, that would have been a sweet concert to go to.” That got me to thinking of other concerts I’ve missed out on over the years whether I was too young, not actually alive, or in the case of one it may have never actually happened. I think you’ll see that most of them have some sort of historical significance in addition to being a concert to remember.

5) The Smashing Pumpkins’ final show, 12/2/2000

All right, so it’s not that big of a deal now that Billy Corgan has brought back the Smashing Pumpkins, albeit in an abridged form. But I came of age listening to the Pumpkins; songs like “1979,” “Muzzle,” “Disarm,” and “Bullet With Butterfly Wings” were the soundtrack to those carefree years. When Corgan broke the news of the band’s breakup, people called into the radio station and cried. I don’t think I would’ve had the same reaction, but it did make me sad inside.

And the actual concert? It wasn’t just any show. The band played 35 songs over four hours. The atmosphere in The Metro must have been electric. To hear them play songs that spanned their whole career would have been nothing short of awesome, and to see what in my mind is the definitive Pumpkins lineup – Billy, James Iha, and Jimmy Chamberlin (bassists are a dime a dozen, sorry) – would have been a memory I never forgot.

4) Nirvana – anytime around 1991-92

I was obsessed with Kurt Cobain around 2002-03 – ten years late and in the wrong part of the country, just like my hair at the time – so I know a little bit about his back story. That’s why I chose this particular time frame. He was a heroin user even then, but he wasn’t a full-on junkie. The band was still tight, perhaps even on top of their game even though In Utero, their best album, wasn’t released yet.

I get the feeling that Cobain wasn’t weary of being a rock star at that point. To me, that could only make shows around that period even better. Later in their short career, the band (though probably Kurt moreso than anyone else) tired of playing the megahits like “Smells Like Teen Spirit” and “Lithium.” It would be quite the downer to go see a band you love and not hear the songs that made them famous.

If I had to pick a specific show, I suppose I would skip 91-92 altogether and go with an obvious choice, the MTV Unplugged concert. Going back in time to see that would be eerie, as we all know what happened not long after that. But the music from that concert is undeniably powerful and moving, which makes it an easy choice.

3) Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson. Anytime, anywhere.

Yeah, I made this one up. I would think they’ve played together at some point aside from the Storytellers CD, but you never know.

My vision for this concert would be both men co-headlining, perhaps with a Storytellers-esque encore. Johnny Cash and the Tennessee Three. Willie Nelson and the Family. With country music in mind, you really can’t get any better than that.

I’ll be completely honest; I didn’t get into Cash until he covered NIN’s “Hurt.” I soon realized his true genius after he died. Shortly after that I started getting into Willie as well, and my interest in classic country music was born. They have slightly contrasting styles, but both wore their hearts on their sleeves and have unmistakable voices. I really have nothing more to say here, so… Yeah, Cash and Nelson, stay the course, 1000 points of light, etc. etc.

2) Jimi Hendrix – Monterey Pop Festival, 1967

Time travel doesn’t exist (yet) but it doesn’t need to, considering this set is on DVD and will be coming out on CD sometime this fall. From the moment the first lines of “Killing Floor” blared through my speakers, I was blown away.

As far as historical significance is concerned, this was Hendrix’s coming out party in the US. I imagine some of the people at the festival didn’t know what think when Jimi came out and started rocking; he was in sharp contrast to less heavy acts such as Simon and Garfunkel and The Byrds. An interesting note about his set was that he covered The Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band… a week after the record came out.

(Okay, it may not be the most difficult song in the world, but it’s still pretty damn cool, right?)

I guess I’m running out of gas down the stretch because I have nothing more to add. Then again with Jimi Hendrix, who does?

1) The Beatles – anytime in Hamburg, 1962-63

Was there any doubt that I would pick what many think is the greatest band of all time for my number one spot? I shied away from the Beatlemania period for one reason: they played ½ an hour at most, in front of 50,000 screaming fans so you couldn’t hear a damn word anyway. I ruled out their later years because a lot of the songs don’t strike me as the kind that would translate into good live numbers. So, Hamburg it is.

They played all night in sweaty nightclubs, aided by amphetamines and paid with prostitutes (and a little money too). This is where they honed their craft, playing every song they knew and probably some they didn’t. They were loud and rowdy and ass-kicking. In short, they were a rock n roll band. It was at this time that Lennon and McCartney also started writing the songs that would make up their debut album.

Unlike Nirvana, I can’t pick out a single concert I’d like to see from the Beatles. The famed rooftop concert would’ve been cool, but then again in hindsight the set list was kind of lame. Plus, it wasn’t as spontaneous as they made it seem; they were simply trying to do something that could make it into the concert film that Paul wanted to make.

Television shows I hate: Bridezillas

(Warning: Misogyny ahead!)

Women that are “Bridezillas” should be punched in the face. (Metaphorically speaking, of course.) There is plenty of garbage on TV these days, but most of it I can ignore. Women’s Entertainment’s Bridezillas is not one of them.

I can hear you saying “Why are you watching that network to begin with?” It’s not me that flips through the channels and settles on WE… it’s my girlfriend. Being of the female persuasion, her taste in just about anything is questionable to begin with. To be fair to her though, there are a lot of other shows that we sit down and watch together: Everybody Loves Raymond reruns, Lingo and Chain Reaction on GSN, Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends and even a Brewers game every once in a while. But Bridezillas takes the fucking cake.

For those lucky enough not to have seen the show, it’s about women who go batshit insane – as if they weren’t already – when it’s time to get married. All the details about a wedding – the bridesmaids dresses, DJ’s, food choices, so on and so forth – are under scrutiny here by these women who may or may not be mistaken for a female Atilla the Hun. I’d really feel sorry for all the people involved, but they all agreed to go on camera and let it all hang out, so screw them.

It didn’t take long to figure out the actual point of the show. It’s not about weddings. It sure as hell isn’t about how women can go psychotic, because any man that’s ever been with a woman for more than a week already knows that. No, the true nature of the show is this: it’s to make women feel better about themselves. A woman can bitch and moan about how she’d like more help around the house, how all her friends suck, how she’d like to lose some weight; that’s all fine and good, because at least she’s not like that.

(Whether she is or not is an entirely different story that depends on the woman. My girlfriend is not, for your information.)

You might be thinking the type of woman on Bridezillas is your typical bottle blonde with fake breasts and daddy’s checkbook, nothing more than an attention whore. But you’d be wrong.
Yes, there are spoiled little princesses on there, and I’ll get to an example later. But from the few shows that I have see, the brides-to-be span across races, socioeconomic status, and even attractiveness. I don’t know if that means that the producers didn’t want to play up to stereotypes (or wanted to exploit all of them) or if that all women are just crazy.

Considering I figured out the point of the show after watching only a few minutes, my mind got to wondering about another aspect of the show – how in the hell did these women get to be this way? I mean, if these women were so bitchy all of the time, how could a man possibly stand her, let alone want to marry her? Is she blackmailing him? Is he the father of her child? Is the sex so mind-bogglingly great that he just doesn’t care? To go back to the example of the spoiled princess before, there was one woman who was hot, blonde, bitchy: a stereotypical bridezilla. What surprised me about the whole thing was for the wedding party, there were no bridesmaids. It’s one thing to do something because it’s different, or in her words she “just didn’t want to deal with the hassle.” That’s fine. But unless she’s a stripper or porn star and wanted to be done “family-style” after the ceremony, all that said about her is that she doesn’t have any friends that can stand her.

I don’t know if any of what I just said is true. I’m a believer in that most people are generally good, so I think it’s a stronger force than the general nature of a woman. Could it be that her parents simply raised her to be a spoiled brat? Or is it the way that weddings are marketed to women in this country, that every little thing can be hers because it’s her special day, and to hell with anyone who thinks differently (or rationally).

It’s no secret that a wedding day is a woman’s special day and thus it should be as pleasant and perfect as possible. But I do take issue with the idea what the bride should get whatever she wants whenever she wants, and if she doesn’t then it’s just fine that she breaks into hysterics. Unfortunately honey, the world doesn’t revolve around you, even at your wedding. There are a lot of other people involved in the whole thing, so that means you have to compromise with them. I was taught at a young age that compromising was part of what marriage is about; marriage is a sacrifice, not a slaughter, and just because you have a vagina doesn’t mean you can treat other people like shit when you don’t get your way.

I’ve been very negative so far. Maybe I really am that hateful and misogynistic, but not all is bad both in life and with this garbage passed off as television. Quite honestly, this show makes me laugh. Why? Because the brides in question actually think that all of the people involved in the wedding actually care. Sure, they want everything to be nice and for everyone to get along. More than likely they’re happy that you’ve found a (potential) soul mate. But ultimately it’s just another day to get dressed up to go to church and another excuse to get ridiculously drunk with family and friends. Maybe if these women had a little fucking humility, they would be able to realize that.

Friday Five: 8/24/07

Five Six indie rock songs I can't stop listening to:


5. “Cruel Thing” by The Sharp Things
From the A Moveable Feast LP

Neo-soul (which may or may not be an apt description) is the last thing I’d expect to hear from four white guys from New York, but that’s exactly what you get with “Cruel Thing” I’m not sure what the rest of the album sounds like – I’m guessing more retro-pop – but this song reminds me of Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On.” Yeah, white people are once again raping black people’s music, but that’s been happening for fifty years now… time to get over it. The retro movement in indie rock (and for indie bands that make it to commercial radio) can get tiresome quickly, but there’s no denying the “easy like Sunday morning” vibe that this track gives off.

4. “Young Folks” by Peter Bjorn and John
From the Writer’s Block LP

This song has already made it to my local “alternative” commercial radio station, so I know I’m late on this one. But humor me by listening to the track, specifically the whistling parts, and tell me you can’t get that melody out of your head the rest of the day. I dare you. I realize catchy doesn’t always = good. But seriously, humor me. “Young Folks” is a beautiful slice of pop music, even if the same can’t be said for the rest of the album it comes from.

3. “Can’t Believe a Single Word” by VHS or BETA
From the forthcoming Bring on the Comets LP

I’ve heard this band called dance-punk, which is okay I guess. I’ve also heard VHS or BETA called nu-new-wave, which I think is a bit closer to describing them. Either way, this single is catchy as hell. And unlike genre mates The Killers and Franz Ferdinand, VHS or BETA sounds like it’s actually having fun making this music. The chorus has a great hook and is rather bouncy. I’m intrigued by the album that’s coming out in September, and I anticipate hearing this song on the radio at some point.

2b. “Down Boy” by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
From the IS IS EP

The thing with Yeah Yeah Yeahs in my humble opinion is that their songs are very hit-or-miss. I remember back when I was a college radio DJ we had their debut EP in rotation; the song that was on the playlist was pure noise rock, featuring annoying screeching that tried to be passed off as vocals. That is what I don’t like about the band. “Down Boy” has what I’ve grown to like about YYY: Karen O’s sexy, seductive singing voice (think Amy Lee from Evanescence without the polish) and an ability, much like the White Stripes, to turn minimalist rock into something big. Nick Zinner’s guitar swirls around Karen O’s voice, the drums propel the song just enough, and the occasional keys complement the mood – and maybe I’m fucked up for thinking of this – of being in an S&M dungeon. O’s restrained shrieks put an exclamation on that sentiment.

On a side note, I think Yeah Yeah Yeahs have grown on me in part because my co-worker plays them a lot while we’re performing our mail duties. I still think a lot of the “vocals” are completely unnecessary, but I have come to appreciate the less-is-more approach of the band.

2a. “Girls Like Status” by The Hold Steady
From the Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters Colon Soundtrack LP

(I just wanted to see how ridiculous that looked when I typed that whole title out, sorry.)

Could The Hold Steady be the next AC/DC? Probably not, but they are one hell of a party band. The difference between The Hold Steady and the AC/DC’s and the frat rock bands is that, despite all the references to getting loaded, Craig Finn’s lyrics humanize it in a vivid way, were as other bands simply glorify it. I know, that actually doesn’t sound like much fun. But listen to this song (and their stellar Boys and Girls in America) and you’ll see the infectious power their music has.

“Girls Like Status” has a pretty good riff, but the lyrics are the true standout here; apparently boys are bored with their girls, and the girls feel the same: “She said she was coming but she mostly made hard, fast noises” and “she said she was cruisin’ but she came in all fast and out of focus in a cool car that was cranking Krokus” are two of the better lines. The joyousness of the music juxtaposed with the despair of the lyrics should get the girls dancing, and the cut-to-the-chase (and mostly true) chorus of “Guys go for looks. Girls go for status.” Should keep the indie-minded frat boy partying until winter break.

“The Underdog” by Spoon
From the Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga LP

The album’s name is terrible, but “The Underdog” is far from it. Quite frankly, the song is a dead ringer for 1970’s-era Billy Joel… not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’d rag on Spoon for aping another artist so gratuitously, but their last single, “I Turn My Camera On” sounds completely different. And from the 30-second clips on iTunes, so does the rest of the Ga Ga… disc.

I think it’s okay to have songs that pay homage to other artists. Imitation is, after all, the sincerest form of flattery. Who better to flatter than a band or singer that kicked ass back in his day? However, it’s completely different when a band is hyped because of that likeness in sound. It’s no secret that I enjoy “typical” song structures (even Tool, with its ridiculous time signature shifts, has some basis in pop music), guitar-bass-drums setups, and vocals that actually sound like singing of some sort. I know indie-rock is supposed to be fresh and different, but the truth is that it really isn’t. When I listen to it, I’m not really looking for something that’s totally original. If that were the case, I would be telling you about Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Deerhoof, Battles, and !!!. But I’m not. I’m telling you about “The Underdog,” a great song that I am completely unashamed of listening to over and over again. Good music is good music no matter the genre, and also no matter what time it sounds like it was made in.

The Friday Five: My All-time favorite video football games (Hazy Memories Version)

As long as I’ve played video games, I’ve always enjoyed sports titles more than anything. More specifically, football is where it was at when I started out, and it’s still my favorite sports-type game today. I think football has always been more appealing not just because I enjoy watching it more than any other sport, but because, quite simply, the seasons are shorter. The 16 games of an NFL season are just more bearable than slogging through a 162-game MLB season or even the 82 games of an NBA season.

With that said, here are my top five football games of all time:

5. NFL Blitz (PSX)

NBA Jam was a big deal back in the mid-90’s – both in the arcades and at home – so when a football themed game came out, it was sure to be a hit.

Blitz was the first game I bought for the original Playstation, and I played it for hours, even coming back to it when I added more games to my collection. Being an arcade game, the rules were stretched for Blitz: 30 yards for a first down, no pass interference, free extra points, etc. That was no matter, however, as the game was simply fun as hell to play. Where else would you be able to elbow drop your opponent after he ripped off a 50-yard pass on you?

Despite the fun factor, the game did have its shortcomings. There was no season mode, though for an arcade game that was understandable. The passing mechanism seemed counterintuitive; I never really figured out how to pick a specific receiver at a specific time. And finally, there was no create-a-player mode. This seems like an oversight – custom tackles/late hit moves, anyone? – considering that just about every other game on the market had it at the time. But despite these minor annoyances, the game had an undeniable replay factor, and for that, it sneaks in on my list.

4. NFL ’95 (Genesis)

If my memory serves me correctly, this is the game that replaced Joe Montana’s Sports Talk Football or whatever the hell it was called. It doesn’t make the list because it was flashy or innovative. It’s here for a selfish reason.

I was kinda good at it.

NFL ’95 was on par with the other games of its time; it had real NFL players, a full season mode, running stats, etc. The gameplay was slower compared to the Madden series at the time, which in hindsight is probably why I was good at it in the first place. Like all video games to some extent, the game was susceptible to ridiculous blowout scores. I once lent the game to a friend, only to come back and look at his season and see scores of 84-0 and 72-6. Just because someone can dominate the game doesn’t mean it sucks, though.

One thing that ties this game to every other game on this list – except for Blitz – is that it had a bread-and-butter play that you could exploit time and again for big gains or touchdowns. In this case, mine was the HB Screen. Brett Favre to Edgar Bennett. Those were good times.

3. Quarterback Club ’96 (Genesis)

QB Club would’ve been primed to fade away into the footnotes of video football history if it wasn’t for one mode on the game: the Historical Simulations. For those not in the know, the game gave you scenarios for you to play out; most were from the past; some of them were set in the future. Either way, your mission was to change history (or write it, in the case of playing Super Bowl 40: Panthers vs. Jaguars). Were you a long-suffering Buffalo Bills fan who desperately wanted Scott Norwood’s kick in Super Bowl XXV to be good? Did you hate the Packers so much that you’d like to erase their victory in Super Bowl I? Then this game mode is perfect for you. The scenarios ranged from quickies like 4^th-and-long, last-second Hail Marys to trying to come back from 20 down with 14:00 left in the 4^th quarter. There were 50 in all (and you got some secret thing or another for beating them all), and I spent more time trying to beat them than playing the actual game.

And what about the standard game mode? It was nothing special from what I remember. I don’t think there was even a regular season mode at that point in the series. But the animation was pretty sweet for being on the Genesis, so from a visual standpoint QB Club ’96 had something going for it. But the Historical Simulation Mode was the highlight, and it was an addition to a game that I believe launched the movement towards the plethora of mini-games and modes we see now in the Madden series.

2. Madden (2005-Present, PS2)

I nominate a time period here for a couple of reasons: 1) In the 90’s, the series pretty much sucked. It might have something to do with the fact that I suck, but this is my list. The create-a-player mode first implemented in Madden ’96 was a fucking joke. You had to put your player through drills (that amounted to a bunch of button-mashing) in order to determine how good he was. The gameplay itself seemed sloppy and inconsistent. The running game was almost non-existent. But that would all change once the PS2 versions came out.

(I was a Gameday fan on the PS1, so if the game started getting good then, I stand corrected.)

In addition to all the standards we have come to know and love, Madden 2005 and beyond added a metric shit-ton of features to make your video football experience as realistic as possible. Instead of seasons, you got to run the whole franchise. A superstar mode was added – which I never played – where you could make your created player into an icon both on and off the field. Training camp drills, practices, e-mail alerts… Jesus H. Christ on a crutch it was overkill! But it was still the best game in town. (I never had the experience of playing the “2K” series from Sega, so bear with me here.)

The graphics were stellar; the options, as I stated before, were endless. All of the sudden, the passing and running games were realistic. And of course, you got John Madden’s trademark commentary.

Not to be a killjoy, or a smarmy internet hater, but the series does have its faults. For one, the pass coverage is ridiculous. Defenders come out of nowhere to knock the pass down or intercept it. There is no pass interference to be found. Long passes, at least for me, are always a gamble that I seem to lose. The other complaint I have is that, for a lesser player such as myself, the game can get to complicated against a human opponent. Line shifts, coverage audibles, blitz coverage, and hot routes… a certain mastery of these things are necessary to defeat the Madden fanatic. I don’t have the patience to do so. However, that doesn’t take away from the face that is the best football game today. And now, with EA’s exclusive NFL license, for all intents and purposes, Madden is the only game today. Football is Madden. Madden is football. Become assimilated or be destroyed.

1. Tecmo Super Bowl

So much has been written about TSB that I’m not sure what to say that hasn’t already be said. Mention the name “Bo Jackson” and I bet most any guy aged 20-30 immediately thinks of Tecmo. I wonder if it’s just nostalgia that makes this game so memorable. Is it just the retro cool of the game that makes guys my age nearly cream their pants? I don’t know.

What I do know is that Tecmo Super Bowl is the Nirvana of video football games. I don’t think it is remembered for what it was, but for what it stood for. It blew the roof off of what was around at the time. It wasn’t the most technically gifted (though it was way ahead of its time with full seasons, rosters, and running stats.) but God damn was it good.

Much like a Nirvana song, you could just pick up and play. The games were quick and simple, the action was furious. Sure, it was quite easy to run up the score against the computer, but that just led to new challenges like trying to rush for 400 yards with the Raiders or throw 10 TD passes in a game with Joe Montana. For such a simple game, the possibilities seemed endless.

The Nirvana comparisons stop with age, however, because as time went on the TSB brand went down the drain. If you’ve never played it on Genesis or SNES, don’t bother. It sucks.

Tecmo Super Bowl gave us the long-standing tradition of the “no fucking way” game; no matter how good you’ve been playing, there comes a game when the computer has all the answers. My most memorable was when I led the Houston Oilers to a 14-2 regular season record, cruised through the playoffs… and then got my ass handed to me in the Super Bowl 26-2 by the 49ers. This may seem like a major flaw in the game – and it is, to an extent – but I keep coming back for more. Every once in awhile, anyway.

Unlike my previous video football shortcomings, this game was actually fun to play against other people. And that’s what video games are supposed to be about, right?

"One Nation, Under Prescription"

The title of this post comes from a piece a classmate of mine wrote back when I was in school. I thought it was really clever, so of course I’m going to steal it here because I have never been one for clever titles. Quite honestly, I don’t remember much about the piece in question other than it was about his and his relatives’ battle with drugs (legal or not). I found it rang personal and true, though I didn’t realize the scope of how true it was until I read this article.

As you read this blog, you’ll realize that I don’t react to things as soon as they occur or as soon as they are apparent. I don’t wish to offer gut reactions, as effective as they may be. I need time for things to sink in. Back to your regularly scheduled post.

It should come as no surprise to anyone that there is a drug for everything. That guy who can’t get his dick hard for his wife? We’ve got a pill for that! The dumbass who doesn’t know enough to put the cheeseburger down? Got you covered! Too lazy to force an aspirin down your throat? Apply directly to forehead! Apply directly to forehead! Apply directly to forehead! (Forgive me for being late on that.) All the ads for all those drugs upset me, but none as much as what is mentioned in the article above.

George Carlin talks about the “continued pussification of the American” in one of his bits; far be it from me to confuse a comedy routine with reality, but when I read that anti-depressants are the number one prescribed drug in America, it’s quite hard to know where one ends and the other begins.

(Yes, Carlin fans, I know he was talking about strictly males in his rant. Please don’t nitpick here.)

I am not trying to deny the existence of depression. I realize that for some people, this is a serious disease. If you’re sitting in your basement, listening to The Cure and rolling the chamber of a revolver while contemplating pulling the trigger… Xanax may be right for you. This is not where I have a problem. Where I have a problem with is people who are prescribed these drugs who, to me, just can’t deal with they every-day ups and downs of life.

I cannot claim to know what’s going through the head of every person who is prescribed Lexapro or Prozac. But when anti-depressants are the most prescribed drug in the country, it tells me there is something seriously wrong with people, and it goes beyond giving them a pill for their troubles.

Are those people - that to me don’t need it - better off living in a drug-induced haze? Perhaps. But isn’t there a little light that goes off inside some of you that says, “Hey that’s not natural!” For Christ’s sake, life sucks. Maybe there’s a reason it sucks for you, and it’s not because you haven’t had your meds today. Apparently, the doctors in this country have been reading Aldous Huxley’s masterwork Brave New World, and they decided that it was a really great idea. (Without reading the ending, of course.)

“A gramme is better than a damn” is repeated throughout the book, and it reflects the mindset of the people in Huxley’s apparent utopia. Hey, why be sad when you can take a pill? “BECAUSE THAT’S LIFE YOU FUCKING MORON!” I screamed inside myself when I read it for the first time at 17 years of age. I never thought at that time that life would imitate art so succinctly. By the way, the lead character ended up killing himself because he couldn’t deal with the perfection of the society. I’ll patiently wait for the day when that starts happening.

You may be wondering what gives me the right to attack these poor people who just want to get on with their day-to-day lives, and if a drug helps them then so be it. Maybe I don’t have the right. After all, I do consume a copious amount of liquor and beer, and sometimes the reason for it is merely to escape. I deal with booze, they deal with drugs. What’s it to me, right? The difference is after the booze is gone – and I do stop drinking, believe it or not – I still have to take life as it comes. Not that people who take anti-depressants don’t have to deal, but somehow I think Paxil is a little easier to deal with than a hangover.

To say that I don’t complain about how much my life sucks would be a lie. I whine and I bitch and I moan all the time. Just the other day I had a long conversation with my best friend; it was me waxing philosophical about how not normal I am, among other things.

“But what’s normal,” he asked.

All I’ve been told my adult life – by people and through books and movies and music – is that there is no such thing as normal. With the doctors in this country, and their willing drug-consuming patients, I think we’re getting closer and close to defining what “normal” is. Some who are reading this (or who may know me, which is one in the same, really) may say that I’m just a sad, bitter man who actually needs the drugs that I am raging against. I’ll concede that point. But as it stands I can deal with my shortcomings by simply living my life, shitty as I believe it to be at times. Can you?

The Title Post (Like Venom)

In the past ten years or so, I don’t think I’ve ever been asked “Why do you write?” (Now, “Why aren’t you writing anymore?” that’s a different story entirely) Not back in the day when I wrote emo-tastic love poems for my girlfriend, not through five years of college, and not in the lean writing times afterwards. However, I’ve asked myself that question plenty of times.

I’m no so sure I’ve wanted to answer that question. Perhaps if people knew the method behind the madness, it would ruin the little bit of mystique I have left. Maybe I never really knew the answer. Maybe I’m afraid of it. But the time has come once again to try and write – I’m only $20K in the hole, why not start again now? – And I think the best way to get to the bottom of this quandary is to figure out the reason I chose this path in my life to begin with.

So I’ve thought for a little bit – minutes, really – and as the time spent thinking would indicate, it’s not all that complicated. The answer is a two-pronged approach. Nothing more, nothing less. Part of me wishes that I had a writer’s mentality, (maybe I do and just don’t realize it) that I had a real passion for writing and that there are stories that just need to be told. I’m not so sure I believe that. But I have my reasons for writing, and for lack of better words, here they are.

I don’t know how - and mostly lack the desire to – talk to people.

I alluded to writing poems for a girlfriend way back when. She was my first, and being as such I didn’t want to screw things up because, being sixteen I thought 1) what happens next? and 2) Man, I’m really horny. Please don’t leave me! So what did I do? I screwed it up.

We had one of those talks. She told me it was hard to have a relationship with someone who couldn’t make eye contact with her, and furthermore someone who didn’t seem to want to talk with her. I nodded my head and left soon thereafter with nary a kiss goodbye, walked home, and locked myself in my bedroom. With my new blacklight turned on, and The Smashing Pumpkins blaring in my headphones, I wrote what I called a song (because “poetry” sounded so faggy) titled “The Girl.” Thus started my writing “career.”

What this says about me is less that I have a flair for writing and more that I had no intention to hold a meaningful conversation with her. This holds pretty true to this day. Everything I’ve ever written to this very day represents something I’ve felt or wanted to say to someone, but never had the sack to.

To paraphrase Henry Rollins, “Words lie when they come out of my mouth.” This isn’t to say that I’m a liar; it’s to say that when I speak, what comes out is rarely what I want to convey. I can feel some of you saying “Hey, ever think of thinking before you speak, numbnuts?” Yeah, I have. It makes things worse, I overthink things, and then I end up stumbling and stumbling over my words and sounding like an all-around jackass. But when I sit down and write, my words are like venom. Maybe they’re not literally deadly, but impacting nonetheless. Instead of editing on the fly like with speech, I can take my time and gather my thoughts. I have an unlimited backspace key; I can sculpt and prune my thoughts until they’re just right.

I’ve struggled with the not talking thing my whole life. Part of me sees it as completely not normal; my other half sees it as something not to bother with. Writing is my stopgap, my way to combat both thoughts and to come to some sort of compromise. You can know what I’m thinking, but I can do it without moving my mouth.

Catharsis

Newsflash: I haven’t had the worst life ever. That may come as a surprise to anyone who’s read my writing or anyone who’s known me for more than a year. Hell, after going over my writing recently, I thought to myself “Wow, I can make anything sound like a bummer.” I may convey that to many people with my demeanor, but in the deepest reaches of myself, I know that not to be true. I mean, I’ve been intimate with people with a much worse life than me.

That would never stop me from expunging a little angst and hatred every now and then, however. And I’d be the first to admit that it makes me feel goddamn good after doing so.

Believe you me, there is nothing better than looking at an empty bottle of whiskey, a full ashtray of cigarette butts, and then finally a finished piece of writing. All the sweat, booze, and nicotine that goes into my writing is worth it because of that feeling of not just a job well done, but of the feelings themselves finally being released.

Every girl that’s ever wronged me (more likely every girl I’ve wronged), every knock-down drag-out fight I’ve ever had with my father, every half-baked opinion I’ve ever had would be bottled up inside me if I hadn’t discovered the power of the written word.

I would argue that the catharsis of writing is better than an orgasm, if only because it lasts longer. I can go back in time and relive something so insular that came to be a victory on the outside.

* * * *

I will never claim to be well read, but I will quote someone more well-known then Henry Rollins: “And so it goes.” Things happen, life goes on. I write so that my life can do so.

(If I got the context or the meaning of that quote wrong, I read Slaughterhouse-Five when I was 17… friggin’ sue me.)

This is why, this is why, this is why I suck.

I realize I have my very own webspace with my very own domain that I paid for, no less. Based on how much I claimed to like web design, I know I could have simply made my own blog. Hell, that's kind of what I did... except it was a pain in the ass to update it, as sparingly as I actually updated. But that time has come and gone.

The Blogger format is much easier to use and a hell of a lot more customizable then the Wordpress blog templates my web host uses. (Well, maybe not. I don't exactly know XML or whatever was used to create it.) It has comments, which may or may not ever be used. Plus, and this is a big one, it's free. Yeah, the $70 or so I paid this year for hosting kind of went to waste. Oh well.

So this is what you get. I know the color scheme kinda sucks. I know the logo should be centered, but I can't, for the life of me, figure out how to do it. Whatever. Maybe at some point I'll switch over to a real domain name, but still use this basic template. That is, if I don't have another year long writing drought.